最近得到两张很珍贵的照片，1950年代的，珍贵的地方在于照片里的人和我家的关系--无缘的亲人。



第一张照片里的华人妇女是我爸爸的亲生妈妈，第二张照片里的则是我爸爸的亲生姐姐。很久很久以前，听过一位老人家说我长得像姑姑，妈妈看见照片后也说像。姑姑，你说像吗？可惜我们无缘认识...

几年前就问过爸爸：你想不想找回亲生的家人呢？当时他对养育他长大的家庭有些失望，只是回答我 - 不想再找些麻烦给自己，有我们就够了。是这样的吗？真的不想知道亲生父母是谁吗？他们又是为了什么放弃自己，送给别人领养？有些心疼我爸爸，连最亲的家人也无法了解他在这方面的感受。

婆婆，你会想到50几年后，送给学生的照片竟然会辗转落到自己的子孙手上吗？也许在送出照片的时候你根本也想不到会骨肉分离吧！我们不怪你，你和公公一定有什么苦衷吧？听说是当时公公被捉，婆婆无奈之下才将襁褓中的爸爸送了人的，是吗？

公公，我现在的婆婆曾经向妈妈透露过爸爸十岁时您曾经来探望，婆婆也告诉妈妈您的名字叫邓观仁（如果写错了别生气，我没有方法知道）。父子相见不相识，爸爸不敢接受一个陌生人的钱，您老人家离开时伤心地偷偷背着大家抹眼泪，心里一定很难受吧？是不是那次以后你们就回Brunei了？

姑姑，爸爸对于你当年学校的探望还有一点印象。只是对于突然出现的姐姐不知所措，哪儿敢接受你想送的那些文具呢？他在那之前也根本不知道自己是个养子，对不起了。对于你的好意和辛苦找到爸爸的努力，在这里我代爸爸向你说声谢谢！

如果你们还有人留在马来西亚，能不能有见面相聚的一天呢？相信我爸爸现在是希望同你们再联络上的，可惜音讯全无，人海茫茫...

无缘的亲人们，我们一家五口在这里过得还不错，在我之下还有两个弟弟。希望如果公公婆婆两老还健在能看见这个blog。也副上我和爸爸妈妈的合照，希望你们能看见，心里的遗憾能过减少些。愿上帝赐福保守你们！



p/s：爸爸的养父叫彭春，养母叫朱大娘，领养我爸爸时住在柔佛哥打丁宜新村。

我又来啦！

最近闲得可怕，没事可做就google了以下的短文：

孟子曰：舜发於畎亩之中，傅说举於版筑之闲，胶鬲举於鱼盐之中，管夷吾举於士，孙叔敖举於海， 百里奚举於市。故天将降大任於是人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。人恒过，然后能改；困於 心，衡於虑，而后作；徵於色，发於声，而后喻。入则无法家拂士，出则无敌国外患者，国恒亡。然后知生於忧患而死於安乐也。
~出自孟子的《生于安乐，死于忧患》~

全文我看不懂，只是对“天将降大任於是人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤”这句话特别有感觉。

通常大能之辈在未成名前都很惨很惨，历尽了艰苦。反观像我这种泛泛之辈就无所事事，生活也好像蛮称心如意的。所以，若是各位在生活上遇见什么难题，咬紧牙关努力闯过去。又或者自己忙得半死，同事却可以悠闲得东家长，西家短，不要怨天幽人，还是要尽本分，做该做的事。要知道“天将降大任於是人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤”， 用这句话勉励勉励自己，心情也许会好一点。

这是一部没有什么阵容卡势，但是相信爱狗人士都会想看的戏。我个人觉得这是一部超赞的戏！

剧情讲述一对新婚恩爱的夫妻从开始的罗曼蒂克，到身为父母，面对种种生活挑战和压力，人和事的种种变迁，通过和这只“世界第一坏狗”Marley的互动，赢得人生的幸福！

戏里描述男主角从刚结婚的黄毛小子，到中年男子的心路历程。他向往冒险精彩的记者生活，但是为了妻子和第一个孩子乖乖地开始写专栏。他的专栏多数都是与“世界第一坏狗”的互动，渐渐被喜爱和得到赏识。接着第二和第三个孩子降临在他们的小家庭中，经济开始拮据，夫妻开始有了争吵。妻子为了照顾孩子毅然放弃自己的工作，留在家中。可是家庭主妇又怎么会没有压力呢？妻子甚至在一次冲突中吵着要将Marley送回农场。他们夫妻俩虽然被生活搞得焦头烂额，也在这个时候学会了扶持和包容，同时也和“世界第一坏狗”建立了深厚的情谊。男主角依然羡慕他那单身自由自在冒险的好友，但是为了家庭愿意放弃追逐事业。妻子知道后鼓励他不要放弃自己的心愿。后来他们再次面对生活的变迁，带着三个孩子远赴他乡。机缘恰合下男主角在新的工作室附近巧遇好友。好友依然潇洒，独来独往。自己虽然一身的责任，却享受着家庭的幸福。



这出戏唱的是普罗大众的心声，细腻地描写着小夫妻的生活，清淡中带着悠长的幸福味道。我相当喜欢男主角的第一任老板，他在男主角的蜕变过程中给了他许多金玉良言。反观男主角的好友，不愿意在感情中负责任，最后还是孤家寡人，享受他所谓的自由。他们巧遇的那段戏带给我不少的感触。责任让人在挣扎中成长，但是后来的滋味是甘甜的。反之逃避责任，往往最后一无所获，到头来一场空。再来就是不放弃的精神，他们夫妻没有放弃Marley，虽然它真的“坏”得让人头痛，甚至被狗学校开除，也有狗保姆斥责它是披着狗皮的魔鬼，他们依然将它留在家中，连孩子们也将Marley当成家人一样地看待。戏将近结尾时，老态龙钟的Marley已经病入膏肓。从他们一家人所表现的哀伤，和男主角在Marley安乐死时陪伴在旁的片段，让我的眼泪不受控制地流下，想起了我的Joe Joe... 它死了一年多了，但是与它相处的零星片断偶尔还是会浮现脑海，会想起它的乖巧，它的鲁莽，它的种种... Joe Joe 也会害怕打雷，Joe Joe 也会等我放学回家的巴士。甚至我毕业很久后，它还是会对着那辆经过的巴士摇尾巴。它小时候也是坏得我们头痛，但是长大成熟后，只要一个眼神就能让它乖乖地。很有灵性的一只狗狗对不？



如果环境允许，也许你们也可以考虑养只狗狗，你绝对会体会到当中的乐趣！但是，请对你的狗狗负责任，好好回报它对你的忠心！

最近狗狗身上长满了可怕的虱子，一只只肥肥大大的，靠的是我狗狗身上的血！看到它们就气！一气之下到pharmacy买了几瓶价值不菲的anti-pest药水，回家“大屠杀”。

老狗黑黑老老实实地让我将药水喷洒在它身上，尽管临死挣扎中的虱子咬得黑黑难受，它还是乖乖地没让我的药水浪费一滴。黑黑真乖！sayang!





换小家伙“胖嘟嘟”来了。这小子还算识货，顺服在我的权威下一时也还算听话。可是喷到头部时就不是这个样子了。拼命挣扎，还张口作势要咬我手上的喷洒器。威逼利诱都没用，一个不小心还让它吞下了几口毒药。没辙，只好作罢。

明明那些虱子咬得它坐也不是，站也不是，一天到晚拼命抓痒。
明明伟大的主人我，不惜重金买来良药，准备为它除害。
明明就差一点点就能斩草除根了！恨那！

突然，我好像领悟到一个重要的属灵道理！主权与除罪的关系！

神给了人自由意志，选择的权力，也就是说神不逼我们做我们不愿意的事。
但，往往我们选择的不是对我们有益处的事，反而会逐渐吞噬我们的生命。

就拿我家嘟嘟抗拒我为它除去狗虱子的事件来说好了。那些虱子虽然不是它情愿沾染的，但是已经沾染上了，而且正在危害它小小的生命。身为主人，我怎么会束手旁观让那些虱子继续作威作福呢？以一颗爱它，保护它的心意，重价买来良药，要为它解决问题。可是，嘟嘟却拒绝，甚至不惜以危害自己生命的方式拒绝了... 我也无可奈何地只有放弃逼它接受。

上帝也是一样！重价为了我们准备了救赎的恩典，牺牲了自己的爱子，就是要解救所爱的人，帮助我们脱离罪恶的捆绑！但是，多数人却拼命地拒绝... 你若是死都不要这份爱的礼物，慈爱的天父怎么会霸道地逼你要呢？他只有深深地无奈，放弃他所爱，但是不要他的人...

接受了的人呢？你的问题也不会一瞬间解决。上帝知道对于罪恶可能已经缠身的你，急进的方法你受不了，只会毁了刚刚救回来的你。智慧的上帝懂得怎么帮助你，改造你，只是你愿意将生命的主权交出来给他吗？又或是到了除罪关键的时刻，你会不会像我的嘟嘟一样反叛你生命的主人呢？

将主权交给全知全能的上帝绝对是最明智的选择！别退缩，让神帮助你！

最近真的是宅得可怕，每天工作完就回家。不行，得改变改变这种与世隔绝的生活。

缘起应该是那些没什么营养的通俗小说，唯一可取得是价廉得统统丢掉也不会皱一下眉头。他们就让我宅了近一个礼拜。我不会再让这些精神的致癌物品再喂养心理癌细胞了。

再来病了两个礼拜，努力养病，看online电视和睡觉来打发时间。人不但清瘦了，皮肤也好得不得了。只是脸色差得吓人...

不知道是宅得太过分还是严重忽略灵性修养，近来一闭上眼就会出现很多恐怖的画面，心里常没来由地恐慌，甚至夜夜噩梦。还好悬崖勒马，向上帝承认了一系列的过错，祈求赦免和帮助，自己也重新在晚上读经灵修，现在终于恢复平安了。

我也立志要做个“有为宅女”，不出门但能知天下事，要开始看新闻，也要好好改善自己的英文，不能再得过且过。当然，朋友聚会照样要“叫”我，尽量到就是了！

在这里要乘机鼓励宅男宅女们：用有意义的事项来打发时间。宅也要宅得有型有款！

this nice poem lied in my email inbox for a very very long time... now, finally have to chance to be seen.

Just Wait

 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied,

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate….

and my Master so gently and said, “Wait.”

 

“Wait? You said wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!”

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

 

My future and all to which I relate

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’, to which I’ll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

we need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.

 

Then quietly, softly, I learned my fate

as my Master replied again, “Wait.”

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…

and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

 

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;

you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in me

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

 

You’d never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

but you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask

from an infinite God who makes what you have last.

 

You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you.,

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still…WAIT”.

thanks God! i was posted to a good school, good in reputation, student result and also good in discipline. i was worry since i accepted the offer to become a teacher, because i was told that the students that i will be teaching are mostly normal tech students which are hard to handle and may give me problem. but... haha... who said normal tech must be bad students? i was posted to Bukit Panjang Government High School, will stay there for at least 6 months waiting for january intake to NIE. today was my 1st day reporting to the school. congratulations! i managed to wake up at 540am, thought i will sure got time to reach school by 730am. so... i took my time to bath, took my time to set up my hair, took my time to eat breakfast, and of coz took my time to do morning devotion. when started to go out was already 705am. i need around 30 minutes from my place to there ler, somemore seldom experience the morning crowd, underestimated the buffering time liao... at the end take cab lor...

but... the Ms Lee who brought me and another untrained teacher around the school is a super nice lady. she introduced us to almost anyone we met and help us to settle all the admin stuff. thanks ya! principal is very friendly also. we went in to his office at the very 1st morning but din get to c him. but when Ms Lee went to her class, a young man went in to the room i was allocated in. i thought he is one of the person-in-charge of our group of untrained teachers, so just politely say hi and introduce myself to him. then latter at the assembly only know that he is the principal. not even got time to scare abt meeting the principal :p my head of department cum reporting officer is an angmoh, a nice angmoh, an nice old angmoh. i din get to c my dear dear mentor at the early morning, he quickly bring me to my mentor's seat and greet me warmly. my mentor is a young male teacher. he let me to observe in one of his class. actually this is the only class i attended today. he co-teach with another seemed very experience and soft old male teacher. and until this moment i realised one thing: how come CPA and math teachers r all males in this school?! hope to c at least a female CPA and math teacher tml @.@ ohya, forgot abt the students. they are sec 4 normal tech student. heard that their result actually can be normal academy in other school. so they are generally ok. a bit naughty but still manageble. at least when i ask them to sit they will listen la.

teachers at this school quite bia lo. heard they normally go home around 6++pm, sometimes even stay until 8++pm. can c their passion in teaching easily. esp the CCA head i met this morning. he is really passionate in "creating an impact" in students' life. he addressed students as children. c la! this is called teacher! sallute! saw an article someone paste on wall. someone satirized that teachers are thos who cant do but tell people wut to do. then a lady politlely answered that: teachers make those exellence perform even better. at the same time, teachers make those think they are weak realise their abilities. teachers change lifes! being a good teacher is hard, but i will try! thanks God for giving me such a good opportunity to learn!

情愿你是一片云，
不是我手里的风筝；
我不懂如何让风筝起飞，
也不懂如何控制；
不如让你成为一片白云，
优游滑翔在天际，
无牵无挂，
只有随风去该去的地方；
即使知道你即将远去，离开我的视野，
但愿我能静静地为你祈祷：
愿上帝祥和的微风，带领你到需要的地方，
让隐藏在你里面的雨水，滴落滋润大地。
这样就好了。

Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie? 

Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up? 

Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk about nasty stuff?    

Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, but yet so easy to look at a nasty one? 

Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e- mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones? 

 Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and dance clubs are getting larger? 

 

I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,    

And jumped up off my knees.    

My Christian duty was now done 

My soul could rest at ease.

All day long I had no time 

 To spread a word of cheer.

No time to speak of Christ to friends,  They'd laugh at me I'd fear. 

No time, no time, too much to do, 

That was my constant cry,

No time to give to souls in need    

But at last the time, the time to die.    

I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes.

For in his hands God held a book;

It was the book of life. 

God looked into his book and said 

'Your name I cannot find.   I once was going to write it down...    

But never found the time' 

We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning…

Maybe, Sunday night... 

And,  the unlikely event of a midweek service. 

We do like to have Him around during sickness…

And, of course, at funerals.

However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play... 

Because… That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and should, handle on our own.

May God forgive me for ever thinking... 

That... there is a time or place where…

HE is not to be FIRST in my life. 

We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us. 

HE is my source of existence and Savior.

He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

当了一年主席后，突然在今天才发现我的恩赐不在这里。一年白白走过浪费了吗？神的旨意出了问题吗？答案都是不！

这一年里，发现了自己许多的问题，这已经是一大收获。这样的一个职位开始时让我看见自己的不顺服，我为自己找了许多借口来推托不干，最后因为干事的分析，和那句“善用恩赐，服事别人”，而扛起这个责任。只是才刚开始策划会议，我就不对劲，总觉得别人认为我做得不好，渐渐像个刺猬，非常敏感，别人的一个眼神，我就可以解读成别人对我的不认同和批评。怎么会这样呢？好不容易祷告神别让我继续这样，放下眼里的樑木。一波才平，一波又起。开始因为讨厌太多的意见，又渐渐变得固执，认为人总有私心，于是认为自己决定的东西才是最好的，不让自己容易被左右。同时更变得相当的严厉，要求职员必须有纪律，只要稍有不对，影响事工效率，我就会表现得相当不满，甚至用过严厉的态度指责我认为有问题的职员。当我发现自己与上帝渐行渐远时，开始紧张，与一些职员谈了后，决定向神好好地认罪，修复与神有裂痕的关系。原来之前的种种都是我太过自我保护，认为要是事工进展不好就是我这个主席失责，不想这种事情发生，但是却把压力重重地压在职员们身上。感恩神让我在伤了别人的心的同时我也难受得心都会绞痛，才知道我错了。我应该要更懂得体恤别人不是吗？我起初的爱心跑哪里去了？此外，也在年终检讨时发现自己在这个职分上亏欠神很多很多。只要是我不喜欢的事工，我会选择逃避，最后又在意为什么做得不好。尤其是在需要外交的事务上，我都做得一塌糊涂。

都是负面的吗？当然不是。透过主席的事奉，我真的开始检讨自己过往是否盲目跟从前人的步伐，也开始思考一些事项的意义。开始时就害怕自己目光太短浅，无法为团契看见长远的vision。感谢主，走到现在，自己的眼光已经放长了许多，看得见的事情比从前多，也懂得在问题出现前尽力去预防和改善它。也因为之前发生的事情，更敏感自己的灵命，了解谦卑来到主前认罪和寻求的必要性。尤其不时提醒自己好好保持与神的美好关系。在人情事故方面也学习到该怎么取舍和灵巧地解决一些问题，还有必须体恤别人，多站在别人的立场来为他着想：他会这样也许是有他的难处的，不要一味责备。当然，职员会的训练是更有系统性地策划、执行和检讨自己的事工。总的来说，在事奉中经历神，被神管教、鼓励、帮助，巩固健壮的灵命，更是在职员会，尤其是当了主席后最值得的事。

事后回顾总有许多甜酸苦辣，但更确信神的旨意是好得无比的！但是，现在解读那句“善用恩赐，服事别人”时，我才发现我的恩赐在于爱心和关怀事工上，这些我都可以无怨无悔、尽心尽力、开开心心地去做。想想在做召集人时多么得心应手，多么满足和有成就感。反之，在监督、管理和领导这类的事情上我真的不怎么行。在成为主席这段时间里，种种的压力和挫败感也使我不快乐。该尽的责任，我逼自己去尽。虽不是自愿，但往往也从里面看见神的带领。团契在这个学年真的做得很不错，但是我在这些成功上尽上的贡献却很少很少，跟本不觉得我带领，而辛劳的都是别人，我只是在名分上沾光，我真的并不开心。

最后，我要说：感谢主！你让我经历了这一切来磨掉我的虚荣心，更让我在回顾时明白你在当初的那句“善用恩赐，服事别人”的‘真正意思，相信这能成为往后我工作和事奉时的准绳，让我明白自己什么能做的最好。

Thanks God! look like God really wants me to teach. I was offered to teach as untrained teacher for 1 or 1.5 year in a local secondary school. it is really God grace. Because compare with other candidates, i am not outstanding nor academically excellent. i do not have formal teaching experience either. so y they will accept me? God's will. hope that i can really do well in this career. to hounor His name while share His love with my future students. Oh God! please give me the heart to love my students, to care for them, be patient and passionate to teach. It is the path that You chose it for me, please walk with me.

Actually this was wut i wrote yesterday...

Just had my last class in NUS, the end of my NUS student life.
my last class is my Thai 2 language class, had a very long quiz.
it was 4 years ago, cannot remember wut was my first class here, probably my CS1101 Java programming lecture.
dun know i had how many overnight "camp" here, dun know i had completed how many frustrating assignments, dun know how many times i felt wanna cry but with no tears, dun know how many times i tell myself to hang on...
nevertheless, i have met with many good people here, my computing gang, my 38 community, my CVCFers... thanks God for u all!
my uni life was a U shape. really tasted many failures here, but eventually learnt that I am really nothing compare to those really outstanding people, in academic performance nor in thinking. just humbly accept the reality and do what i can do. this is the biggest lesson i learnt here i guess. moreover, series of group projects and presentation built me up in term of group work and presentation skills. know there are different kind of people out in this world, must learn to protect ourselves while trying to tolerate unfairness.
ya, last but not least, thanks to CVCF, i was found. now i know i can kneel down in front of God, tell Him: i need You, please be my Lord and take my life control. i was given the opportunity to equip through various leading position, from freshmen orientation camp committee to assistant cell group leader, to cell group leader then move forward to exco member and now step down as the chairperson. I thanks God for willing to equip and use me. when i am lost, was found. i was such a rebellious kid, but He patiently wait for me to surrender. My God is good! His will is no doubt the best one!
conclusion: NUS is a worthwhile trip!
left with 6 exams, then can say bye bye to NUS liao... hahaha

Indeed, love is good! Love helps us to understand our God! because God is the source of love. We should pursue courtship with God on top of any other relationships. With the good relationship with God, only we are able to maintain good relationships with others. Please believe me, Jesus Christ, our Lord is the one worthy for all our loves, because He first love us and humbly died on the cross for the sake of loving us. He still loves us, because the scripture says "love never fails". So are you needy of love now? He is there opening his arm to accept you!